Speaking Softly About Rape

A woman has been raped. Everyone knows the name of the assailant: Brock Turner. And the discussion following has been touching and shocking all at the same time.

What follows are my thoughts about what I have seen online.

In case anything I write below creates a doubt, and I wouldn't write that unless I have seen some serious grandstanding and moralizing (and un-friendings) going on, lets establish some of my positions:

  • Brock Turner is a rapist and he should be going to prison for as long as the law permits.
  • The fact that the victim got so drunk that she became unconscious doesn't justify any part of his despicable action, no matter how many minutes were involved.
  • The Victim deserves no shame at all for what happened.

Okay... let's talk about this.

A Measured Voice

One voice that is measured is the voice of the victim, who has elected not to have her name splattered all over the media. I respect that decision. I'll humanize her by calling her "Victoria".

I have read the full text of Victoria's statement to the court and to her assailant. I was moved by its graphic visuals of the scene in the hospital following her shocking awakening to discover that her head was strapped to a gurney and she had no idea where she was or why she had pine needles in her hair. What followed was the alienating indignity of having her body further probed for documentation.

And as if all of that isn't enough, she has to deal with the aftermath of all of this in her head. And she has to figure out how to continue living her life without breaking down and without flying into a rage. And she and her boyfriend have to deal with an alien new reality.

When it comes down to it, there is no price that can be paid to settle this debt by the rapist, Brock Turner. There's no way to get square again. And frankly, he owes her a serious apology and one that is not diluted by the long filibuster that is in his full statement.

What You Are Not Permitted to Mention

I read the Victoria's statement and I think I "get it". I think she used every bit of her will to summon love in her heart to have written so patiently. I am moved and inspired to the full possibilities of the best version of myself.

But then I open the BookFace and I find I am assaulted repeatedly by reposts and words from people I know which seek to impose constraints upon what we are allowed to say aloud and what certain words mean. It's feels like I am being shouted down when I haven't even said anything.

And the conclusion I am left with is that I am someone who doesn't "get it".

We are apparently not allowed to talk about how it is inadvisable to get drunk. Don't even think about it, the assailant named it as the primary contributing factor for him. The fact of a woman being drunk, even to the point of passing out, is not justification for rape, says practically everyone knowing fully that they have the truth on their side.

I don't disagree but that doesn't mean we aren't talking past one another here. If we consider the many factors that are ingredients in this terrible, horrible, unspeakable incident there are two that things that specific people could have done differently that would have changed the situation:

  • Brock Turner could have acted like a gentleman
  • Victoria could have consumed less (or no) inebriating substance

One might be tempted to make the case that I am a heartless and cruel human being who is giving moral shelter to the assailant and re-victimizing the victim if I mention the second point.

But if there are multiple factors that could have been changed to nudge the situation, why not permit ourselves to reconsider them all? After all, any incident is a function of its contributing factors.

This is an idea that is hammered in motorcycle safety class. They present to you multiple scenarios where a crash occurs, and in each one you are required to identify the reasons a crash occurred. The object lesson is that most crashes happen because of a complex of reasons and rarely because of one single cause.

I think we are doing a disservice to Victoria and to this entire discussion if we choose to ignore that "opportunity" is a contributing factor to crime. And the rapist Brock Turner would have had much less opportunity when faced with a sober woman with her full wits about her, resisting with everything she had.

I wish so much for her that she could have resisted. And for this reason, I wish that people didn't drink when they party.

I don't think it justifies Brock Turner's act of rape to say that. I don't think it has to mean that we hold him with any less blame.


But as you can see, I have to speak very carefully in order to say that.

There is something going on in the broader culture around rape. I would call it a campaign to educate except for the sensation of being SHOUTED DOWN BY PEOPLE YELLING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS!!!

From what I can gather, the shouting is way of reacting meaningfully in the aftermath of a senseless tragedy that we do not wish to compound by minimizing the victim's choices as well. The shouting is a ham-fisted attempt at unequivocal expression of solidarity with Victoria and vocal opposition to the tendency to blame the victim and to show them less support than they deserve.

I think the motivation is noble but the methods are off-putting.

It feels to me like we are trying so hard to control the thoughts of the people around us. We are telling the others around us what to think, and in what exact words. And more importantly, we are making decisions about what must NEVER be thought or said following a rape incident and that we will bring shame down upon anyone who dares to use the forbidden words.

Well, I have to be honest: I shut down when I read words that come on too strong with the thought policing and shaming. And I don't feel good about these interactions. I think that online discussion has the capacity to make us better when we are able to put our ideas together. But it's not the case when faced with this ugly feeling of being shouted down. It isn't the online experience I want to have and it's probably not what you're after either.

Well... Part of the beauty of our age is that we each have our own space to write what we notice. We all have the chance to write the Internet we would like to read. And, hopefully I have written this without shouting and without giving moral cover to Turner.

Speaking Softly

Please take this to heart: When we say things softly and with a heart full of love, we can trust that we will be heard.

We have a term for the experience of reading or hearing something that makes sense: it "resonates". I like to visualize the words echoing softly in the heart and mind of the reader/listener.

We can choose unilateral disarmament. We can choose to speak softly and trust the echoes to make sensible new ideas a part of the way we think and live. And maybe if we do this consistently, we will finally get to have the online experience we desire: sharing ideas, connecting people, and changing things for the better.

Think Bigger

To Victoria

I hear you. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. And, I hope you know that you have touched me with your strength and your compassion.

You are connecting people and changing things for the better. Thank you.

To See People In Their Glory, Entrust Them with Important Tasks

If you are frustrated that people around you are irresponsible, you should try giving them responsibility for something important. Give it to them with the trust that they will see it through and full freedom to solve the problem. See what happens.

Maybe they will surprise you with an approach you hadn't considered. Be sure to leave room for yourself to be persuaded if their way will achieve the goal. It's important not to be prescriptive about specific solutions.

Assess any solution in terms of characteristics and requirements. Is it reliable? Is it succint? Is it easy or hard to deploy? Can we tell if everything is configured correctly?

By talking about requirements and characteristics, we can avoid prescribing specific solutions. This gives the person leading a task more creative control.

You're probably thinking that it's a good idea to define what these are before handing a task out. I agree.

One possible outcome is that the person will prove that they are not to be trusted with responsibility. I don't actually think this is very likely if they really have creative control. I find that when I actually take the time to talk to people, that they seem much more thoughtful than I would have guessed. I suppose that's a good reason to talk to people more often.

There are things that look like irresponsibility on the outside that are other things when you look under the hood. Maybe they are busy and have bitten off more than they can handle for a time. Maybe you have clarity on something because you have developed a way of thinking about it but you haven't shared this with anyone else. Be open to what you hear and don't always demand to understand why.

To see people in their glory, entrust people with things that are important. There will be things that are so important that you feel tempted to do it yourself rather than entrusting them to someone else. But if you ask another person to take up a task and help the other person to see that it is important, you may observe a level of engagement from them that you haven't seen in the past. It's possible that the people who seem irresponsible and apathetic are the ones who care the most but don't feel like they have something worth caring about to do.

Don't judge them for not having found the right place to apply themselves. Maybe that's your role on the team: to expose opportunities for people to lead.

This is an experiment. Think of it as a long term one.

The easiest way to feel impoverished and bored with life is to think that you have everything and everyone figured out. It doesn't take much to dispel yourself of this notion. You just need to let yourself start seeing again.

See people as they are and see them for their potentials too. And let them surprise you as they surprise themselves. You may find that the extent to which people have themselves figured out is less than you had guessed. And if you see that, it will be easier to think of the game you are playing as more similar to Golf than Tennis. It isn't one-on-one with a winner and a loser.

It's each person trying to do meaningful work just a bit better each time we do it. It's just us learning and growing and practicing... always.

An Article About Interview Dysfunction, The Myth of The Next Job, and Choosing Yourself

Interview Dysfunction

This morning I read interesting article about dysfunction in software developer interview practices via Pointer.io. I haven't actually been asked to do silly whiteboarding during interviews. But I have a friend who has definitely has had some bad experiences with this.

I have had experiences that have made me suspicious of any "famous" (household name) company. Though I am open to being surprised.

The article laments the lack of clear reasons for rejection. But the act of rejecting someone is one of those prototypical situations where being honest is difficult and rare. People struggle with honesty in rejection because it often conflicts directly with the confines of their self-conception. (I often refer to this as "identity issues").

If you can expect bad data even if you are given a reason for rejection, best to ignore it. Better to work on no data than bad data.

The Myth of the Next Job

If you've been working for a place for nearly a decade, a job change may be the right thing for you. But if not, it is worth taking a step back and considering whether a lateral move to a similar job at another outfit is actually going to fix anything for you.

It's not likely that the next job is the answer... whatever the question. It may not be the meaningful work you seek. It may not be your perfect opportunity for growth. And these may be available to you right now in ways that you are not seeing because you already have a story that these are not available where you are.

Choosing Yourself

Or it may be that the things you seek are not available in a job. It may be that instead of waiting to be chosen to do something, you have to choose yourself and just start doing it, no matter whether you get paid or not, because it's worth doing. And choosing yourself is a scary thing. But it may be the only way to get from here to meaningful work.

These are ideas cribbed directly from Seth Godin. If you want to light a fire under yourself check out his talk on Thinking Backwards.


Link: F* You, I Quit — Hiring Is Broken